You're Not Alone: Infertility and Loss

It’s amazing how moments can form us, change us, even. Before 2014, many of my moments were spent in emotional (sometimes physical) isolation. I was a prisoner, trapped inside my dysfunctional body and I had no control.For 5 years, I battled infertility with hopeless hope and weak strength. My body didn’t work the way it was supposed to and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to do all of the right things, like diet and exercise, and eating green things. I removed toxins. I purchased all organic. But not much seemed to help my PCOS-ridden, blocked-tube body.When I found out I was pregnant the first time, I was filled with so much joy that my body had done it. Finally. About a month or so later, as I left the doctor’s office after receiving methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy growing in my right tube, I was met with my brokenness once more.A few months later, another pregnancy.Then another.But never a baby.I lived in an empty house with empty arms and an empty heart. No place was safe. I couldn’t safely leave my house without seeing other families and their babies but I also couldn’t stay home without the growing silence of my barrenness. Thanksgivings grew thankless and Christmases felt dark. I was no longer able to hold it together. I regularly refused kids parties, baby showers, malls, baby sections, pregnant people, new moms, and Facebook - for fear of birth announcements, or fake ones on April Fool’s Day.In a moment, this all changed. With a sharp pain in my ovaries, gummy prenatal vitamins, a cheap dollar store test, and a couple of expletives in tow, I was pregnant. My daughter was born September 24, 2015.In a moment, my life changed; my deep sadness morphed into immense and every growing joy. This new generation - born to a child of a broken family - uprooted and healed pieces of me that were in an emotional coma, and I am forever grateful.I am moved by your life, beyondthe depth of sorrow that I feltbefore you existed. Youencapsulate every blessing,magic, and miracle I've everwaited for. Happy Birthday, myLove.